Realizations

"This is a song for every girl who's ever been through something she thought she couldn't make it though. I sing these words because I was that girl too. Wanting something better than this. But whom do I turn to? Now we're moving from the darkness into the light. This is the defining moment of our lives..." (Beautiful Flower: India Arie)

Have you ever woken up one day to realize you're not living the life you always dreamed about? Well, that's exactly what happened to me, except mine wasn't an overnight transformation, but one accumulating over a period of time. 7 months out of college, 2 years without parents, and a 2 1/2 year relationship abruptly coming to an end shook the very foundations of my being.

The final start to my forthcoming downfall happened when my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years, decided overnight that although he still loved me, he needed to let me go to "start living my life." The confusion and realization of the whole ordeal didn't fully kick in until I was driving in my fully packed car alone, making the trek back "home" to Southern CA from Sacramento, with a blank slate of a future ahead of me.

I stayed two weeks at my Aunt and Uncle's home, taking some time to myself and trying not to do ANYTHING, a feat that is impossible for an overachiever. My new motto was that I officially failed at underachieving. I spent my days restless and my nights tossing. I had no prospects of a job and didn't feel motivated to start one, and had no idea of what my future laid in store for me. For an avid planner, these unknowns were making me extremely testy and uncomfortable. My only vice in this fitful period was my growing urge to travel. I spent my days reading travel memoirs, searching destinations online, and planning some sort of escape in the near future. With the holiday months approaching, I figured I could wait until the New Year and start fresh with an adventure. Apparently my mind and soul had another fate in store for me.

Ever since I was a young girl, I always had this strange sixth sense that I would not live past a certain young age but at the same time would fulfill some sort of success in my adult life. The two contradictory images have always stayed in my subconscious and had me driving toward a life of material success, constant pressures and stresses my body couldn't handle. During these 2 weeks of "recovery," I kept having fitful dreams and strange voices yelling in my head to "Go! Just go!" Phrases from songs that played in my musical play list would snap to my attention, the words always hinting to "Let go. Grow up. Find yourself." This was the soundtrack to my destination, the signs from my soul. It may have been delirium from the week long cold I was fighting, or the sudden realization that this was the destiny I was suppose to fulfill; the symbolic death of my past life which constantly haunted me, and the embarking of a new one filled with hopeful successes of my own. As soon as I gave in to this apparition, my physical body went on autopilot and my mind went blank. I packed and prepared, mentally ticking of items I needed and the ones I could leave behind. My limbs moved mechanically, knowing what needed to be done as a sudden peace overcame my being. The only other time I had this same sensation was when I left my dysfunctional parent’s home 2 years ago. It was as if another was guiding me, a force shoving me in the direction I was supposed to go. It was time for me to leave my past behind and discover who I was and the person I wanted to be.

There are countless movies and stories about individuals embarking on road trips to discovery. I decided to follow in those illustrated footsteps in hopes of having the same profound and life changing results. Perhaps my actions were a product of too many fictional stories and fantastic revelries; there was only one way I was going to find out. I packed my Jeep with a single suitcase, a pillow, blankets, my laptop, some remaining items already in the car from my recent move back down, my stuffed bear Mr. Minky, the only reminder from childhood’s past, my professional camera with a near dead battery, and my heavy desktop computer that had a few days remaining before being sold on eBay. For the past 2 years, the home I had known and grown to love had been with my now ex-boyfriend. I had parents who didn't understand me, a sister planning a wedding to embark on her own life, and friends who were already living theirs. The only thoughts that kept filling my mind were: “I have no home, I have myself.” It was time for me to go and find out who I was.